MIA

Wondering where I've been? Me too.

Some people call it being depressed. I should've realized, but I didn't.

After Mom died, I went back to work the next week. Her funeral was Saturday and I went back to work Monday. Looking back, I probably should've taken a little more time off. But I was tired of being in her house. Well, that and family. So I went back to work. My humor came out quite a bit. People would ask me to do stuff and I would tell them. "No thanks, my mom just died." After the first week, I was only allowed to use that excuse once a week. I usually used it to get out of cleaning the coffee mugs. I didn't cry even when patients would ask me about her and they didn't know she had died. Looking back, pretty sure I was still in the shock phase.

Then my house sold and I had to find a house. So that took up some mind time.

Then came Christmas. I thought it was going to be fine since we had a precious new family member. Well, it wasn't. Don't get me wrong. I had a great time with the Teals, but it just wasn't the same. And my poor dad, I think he wanted to cry the whole day. If you knew my mom, Christmas was HER holiday. Every room decorated. Christmas dishes. Even the shelves in the bookcases changed for Christmas. Man, she made it so fun.

(My sister and I joke that she loved Jesus's birthday more than ours. One year she didn't call me to wish me a happy birthday until 9pm. And she mailed my sister a birthday card without signing it.)

Then the snow hit, twice. I was suppose to go to STL the weekend before and spend time with my niece and BFF/SW and her son. But the snow put those plans in the toilet.

Then I got in trouble at work. And pretty much lost it. The ugly cry in front of my boss. I almost quit my job right there. During the ugly crying episodes. You all know, snot and tears mixed. And pretty much looking like a dork. So I took a couple days off work.

I realized I wasn't dealing with the emotions, mostly guilt, about my mom. And they all came out.

It was quite cathartic, big word, eh? And realizing/knowing that I didn't kill my mom because I had given her the pain meds. It's hard to say even on here. But I still feel guilty. Emotionally. But in my mind/medical brain I know I didn't kill her. I know that sounds awful. But I made her so comfortable that I made her stop breathing. I know I didn't do it. It's just coming to terms with that.

Then I'm pretty sure I got mad at God. Didn't pray, didn't open my Bible for months. Crazy, when I could feel His love surrounding me and mom during her illness. I didn't feel like God loved me like I needed to be loved. I needed my mom. Then I heard this song. And God spoke to me and told me, "I love you Sarah, and I love your Mom. That's why I had to take her away from all the pain." And I have to keep reminding myself of that fact, every day.

So that's where I've been. I've been depressed but I'm getting over it. And over myself.

As I told a friend of mine, "Get over it."

And I'm trying . . . .

hygiene

So a patient last week asks me if the rash he has is from his lack of hygiene. If you have to ask, then YES it is. He proceeds to explain to me that he is working from home and doesn't shower every day, or every other day. Please don't explain why you don't shower. Just start showering and see what happens. Give it a try. You might like it.

And, by the way, I didn't laugh or gag. I'm getting better, guess that comes with age. :) Best part, I had a PA student with me. He was SHOCKED. Told him to get used to it. Patients will ask weird stuff sometimes. And the ART of MEDICINE is not laughing. Or gagging.

let it snow

So here in Owassy we had 21" of snow. Schools were out all week. The office was closed for two. That's never happened to us before.

It took me 5 hours to shovel my driveway. Or just the path to get my car out of the garage. Never again will I complain about 1-2" of snow.


The dogs really didn't start playing in the snow until today. Enjoy the pics! And hopefully this will end soon!!

blogging

So I haven't been blogging. Couldn't tell, could you?

I'm fine. Just a little depressed. Know how I know that? All I want to do is sleep. And I'm a little bit snippy at work.

Guess it's probably because it's coming up on the anniversary of my mom's death. Seems like yesterday. I sure miss her. We all do.

And hope I'm going to get out of this 'funk,' as dad calls it, real soon.

It is what it is. Deal with it. Right? It is what it is. Can't change it, just my attitude.

But here's a pic of our newest Team Teal member, she sure is cute!! I made us all Team Teal shirts for the hospital--iron on transfers. They were cute, just don't make it through the laundry. Oh well!