Mom

I'm so sorry about the lack of updates. Things around the Schmidt house have been pretty crazy the last month.

If you haven't heard, Mom was diagnosed with colorectal cancer on the 23rd. We've created a website so we don't have to make 30,000 email updates and phone calls. So if you'd like to keep up to date, check out:

www.caringbridge.org/visit/susanmschmidt

We all appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

never been kissed . . .

by a patient until today. He was 94 years old.

I was going in for a side hug. And he came at me. So I tried to pivot. Didn't work.

But at least I got my mouth closed, because he didn't.

Oh, I was so uncomfortable.

But I think I made his day.

Funny thing was, Dr Maloy was seeing him and asked me to go in and freeze off a couple AKs. So really, she set me up. And I'm not doing it again, ever.

And tomorrow I'm keeping my lips to myself. And I think the Burt's Bees Lip Balm is working.

And he patted my butt as he was leaving. Told me to have a good day.

Oh, at least I can find the humor. . .

quotes

So I realized I hadn't posted in awhile.

Today's quote:

"My bronical tubes are hurting."

Many patients here in Oklahoma call their BRONCHIAL tubes that. If it were me, I'd just say my lungs. Such as, 'my lungs are hurting.' That way I wouldn't sound retarded because I was mis-pronouncing a medical term. Just a thought.

funniest quote of my career

This would be MUCH funnier if I felt it appropriate to use the exact words that were said on Thursday, however, it's not. So, please use your imagination.

New patient arrives in office. He's cute, 22 years old, and works out. (Meaning probably uses 'roids) So his muscles are bulging. The girls are following him around the office, drooling.

His main reason for visiting the office: "Groin Strain."

So I start asking him questions. How long had it been there? When did he first notice it? What makes it worse? Had he tried taking anything for it? Where is the pain?

Of course, he points to his inguinal canal. (Or groin)

I ask him if he's felt any bulging or anything different there.

He states: "Yeah, I have two balls"

My response: "Um, no I don't mean those balls"

He gets all flustered and says, "Oh my gosh, I didn't mean that. Yeah, there are two little balls right here."

Well, what he was feeling were not balls but his intestines. Yep, it was a hernia.

Then we had the Friends episode discussion:
"Are you sure it a hernia?"
"Yes."
"What else could it be?"
"A hernia."
"Or?"
"A hernia."

quotes

Two quotes from the day:

Patient #1: "Well you don't look like the doctor. I was told I had an appointment with the doctor. And you're not her. The D-O-C-T-O-R (he spells it for me). Do you know who she is?"
Me: "Well it's your lucky day because you get to see me and the doctor today. She'll be in a little later."
The visit continues. . . .
As I'm leaving the room, Me: "Well the D-O-C-T-O-R will be right in to see you."
He smiled at me. He's ornery and he knows it. He gave me a hug before he left.

It's all in your perspective.

Patient #2, as I'm looking in her ears: "Can you see my sinuses in there?"
Me: "No, only your ears."

Maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.

Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.

Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.

Maybe this happy ending is just moving on.

Or maybe the happy ending is this:

Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts,

Through all the blunders and missed signals,

Through all the pain and embarrassment,

You never, ever, gave up hope.

--GiGi

He's Just Not That Into You

with or without you