MIA

Wondering where I've been? Me too.

Some people call it being depressed. I should've realized, but I didn't.

After Mom died, I went back to work the next week. Her funeral was Saturday and I went back to work Monday. Looking back, I probably should've taken a little more time off. But I was tired of being in her house. Well, that and family. So I went back to work. My humor came out quite a bit. People would ask me to do stuff and I would tell them. "No thanks, my mom just died." After the first week, I was only allowed to use that excuse once a week. I usually used it to get out of cleaning the coffee mugs. I didn't cry even when patients would ask me about her and they didn't know she had died. Looking back, pretty sure I was still in the shock phase.

Then my house sold and I had to find a house. So that took up some mind time.

Then came Christmas. I thought it was going to be fine since we had a precious new family member. Well, it wasn't. Don't get me wrong. I had a great time with the Teals, but it just wasn't the same. And my poor dad, I think he wanted to cry the whole day. If you knew my mom, Christmas was HER holiday. Every room decorated. Christmas dishes. Even the shelves in the bookcases changed for Christmas. Man, she made it so fun.

(My sister and I joke that she loved Jesus's birthday more than ours. One year she didn't call me to wish me a happy birthday until 9pm. And she mailed my sister a birthday card without signing it.)

Then the snow hit, twice. I was suppose to go to STL the weekend before and spend time with my niece and BFF/SW and her son. But the snow put those plans in the toilet.

Then I got in trouble at work. And pretty much lost it. The ugly cry in front of my boss. I almost quit my job right there. During the ugly crying episodes. You all know, snot and tears mixed. And pretty much looking like a dork. So I took a couple days off work.

I realized I wasn't dealing with the emotions, mostly guilt, about my mom. And they all came out.

It was quite cathartic, big word, eh? And realizing/knowing that I didn't kill my mom because I had given her the pain meds. It's hard to say even on here. But I still feel guilty. Emotionally. But in my mind/medical brain I know I didn't kill her. I know that sounds awful. But I made her so comfortable that I made her stop breathing. I know I didn't do it. It's just coming to terms with that.

Then I'm pretty sure I got mad at God. Didn't pray, didn't open my Bible for months. Crazy, when I could feel His love surrounding me and mom during her illness. I didn't feel like God loved me like I needed to be loved. I needed my mom. Then I heard this song. And God spoke to me and told me, "I love you Sarah, and I love your Mom. That's why I had to take her away from all the pain." And I have to keep reminding myself of that fact, every day.

So that's where I've been. I've been depressed but I'm getting over it. And over myself.

As I told a friend of mine, "Get over it."

And I'm trying . . . .

hygiene

So a patient last week asks me if the rash he has is from his lack of hygiene. If you have to ask, then YES it is. He proceeds to explain to me that he is working from home and doesn't shower every day, or every other day. Please don't explain why you don't shower. Just start showering and see what happens. Give it a try. You might like it.

And, by the way, I didn't laugh or gag. I'm getting better, guess that comes with age. :) Best part, I had a PA student with me. He was SHOCKED. Told him to get used to it. Patients will ask weird stuff sometimes. And the ART of MEDICINE is not laughing. Or gagging.

let it snow

So here in Owassy we had 21" of snow. Schools were out all week. The office was closed for two. That's never happened to us before.

It took me 5 hours to shovel my driveway. Or just the path to get my car out of the garage. Never again will I complain about 1-2" of snow.


The dogs really didn't start playing in the snow until today. Enjoy the pics! And hopefully this will end soon!!

blogging

So I haven't been blogging. Couldn't tell, could you?

I'm fine. Just a little depressed. Know how I know that? All I want to do is sleep. And I'm a little bit snippy at work.

Guess it's probably because it's coming up on the anniversary of my mom's death. Seems like yesterday. I sure miss her. We all do.

And hope I'm going to get out of this 'funk,' as dad calls it, real soon.

It is what it is. Deal with it. Right? It is what it is. Can't change it, just my attitude.

But here's a pic of our newest Team Teal member, she sure is cute!! I made us all Team Teal shirts for the hospital--iron on transfers. They were cute, just don't make it through the laundry. Oh well!

faithful

I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything lately. Things got kinda crazy with maybe baby, maybe not. And getting ready for the first set of holidays without my mom, so blogging went to the back burner. My mom would have been 61 on December 14th. And last year we surprised her with a Christmas trip to NYC (she didn't get to go and dad stayed home with her). Looking back on that I feel horrible for even telling her about that. But at that point we all just thought she was having bowel issues. And I second guess myself every time I think about it because why didn't I know something? (So I was dreading December 14th this year. Actually I was really trying not to think about it, mostly avoiding it. Kinda like August 10th, the six month anniversary of my mom's death. But that day we found out Baby Teal was going to be a girl. I haven't been that happy in a long while.) But then Haidyn came on December 14th. So no longer will I have to dread that day. Laura was scheduled to be induced but Haidyn came on her own. In 3 hours. If Laura hadn't been scheduled to be induced none of us would have made it there in time. I'm so thankful God's plans for Haidyn's birth included us!! And how HE knew the wranglings of my heart, even without the words coming out of my mouth about that day--Oh how faithful HE is!!

So 2010 started pretty crummy but ended up fabulous. And now I'm dreading February 10th--maybe there will be a proposal or something. (That is totally a joke :) But really if you have diamonds you can send them to me, from God. :)

Enjoy the pics of my new niece!!

love, Aunt SES

(Jonathan's sister is Sarah as well so Cal's nickname for me has stuck! My initials in case you didn't catch on)

(And do you see the pots in the picture? I had to ask Laura where her pots and pans were when I cooked dinner--Ha! I'm such an idiot sometimes!)

Haidyn's Room

In October, Dad and I went to see Laura and Jonathan in STL. We went for Haidyn's 3D Ultrasound. While we were there, Laura and I did some decorating.

One of my favorite things about my Mom was her decorating sense. We didn't always agree about how many pleats or gathers should be on my drapes, but it always turned out better when I listened to her. Laura and I have missed decorating Haidyn's room with her. I'm beginning to think some of her sense rubbed off on us. We did pretty good together.

One thing Laura cried about after finding out she was pregnant was having 'store bought' bedding since Mom wouldn't be around to make it. God stepped in twenty years ago and introduced us to Michelle, one of Mom's Precept friends. Mom and Michelle are to blame for the 50+ pillows in the Schmidt house. So guess who offered to make Haidyn's bedding? Yup, Michelle.

God is SO Good!!

Of course I can't find the pictures of the bedding but I'll put them on here when I do.

doggie door

Some of you might remember the post about finding the switch to my furnace while getting Christmas boxes out of the attic.

I'm pretty handy, but sometimes I'm a bit over zealous. As in the case of my doggie door.

My new back door is full glass with blinds between the two panes. So putting a doggie door in the glass wasn't an option. Neither was buying a new door--it was like $500. And the storm doors with doggie doors in them were U-G-L-Y. Think 'Rasing Arizona' trailer look. So I googled doggie doors for a month before deciding on the only option.

1. Purchase a doggie door online that could be put in a glass storm door. ($150 + shipping)

2. Purchase storm door. ($280)

3. Have glass cut for doggie door that could fit in storm door. ($185)

See, much cheaper. . .

But no one told me doors come in different widths. Yes, that's right. I bought the wrong size door. The 36" door was just about 4 inches too wide. No one told me to MEASURE.

So back to Lowe's to SPECIAL ORDER a 32" door. And you know what special order means, more expensive.

And then I lost the receipt to the 36" storm door, not to mention the glass with the doggie door cut out. So they won't take it back.

And then I called the glass company, thinking they could just cut down the glass I had already purchased by 4" so it would fit in the new door. Yeah, that was too easy. The glass is tempered and will shatter when cut. Nice.

So another $300 for the new storm door, another $150 for the glass, and I finally have a doggie door in.

As you can see in the picture, it took Bentley awhile to figure it out. Guess he got confused by the glass.

Thank goodness now they're using it!

And, my front door is 36" wide so the 1st storm door is going on the front door.

So much for my brilliant ideas. . . .